World’s Most Powerful Woman: Secret Identity Revealed

In yet another example of fumbling leaks, the most powerful woman on earth has inadvertently been identified.  The potential for a global economic meltdown has increased sharply.

 For reasons best explained by the Heisenberg principle or the “observer-expectancy effect,” representatives of the World Economic Forum, the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderberg Group met recently at the Bohemian Grove to devise a strategy to conceal her identity for the well being of the world economic system.

Representatives of Occupy Wall Street, who oppose all three organizations (even if the organizers sometimes pretend they do not exist) as well as the venue of the conclave, infiltrated the gathering and later revealed the highly classified information on their Twitter feeds.

The unprecedented secret powwow of global government big shots was designed to keep the world’s most powerful woman from knowing who she was.  The big shots feared that, if she knew how carefully she was being observed, it might change her conduct.  “The future of the world economy hangs in the balance,” said big shot spokespeople.

Occupy Wall Street spokespeople allowed as how they did not give a shit saying, “how can the world economy be any more in the toilet than it already is?”

To this, the big shots replied, “oh, it could” stretching each syllable for emphasis.

Meet “Die Schwäbische Hausfrau” (the Swabian housewife), Schimpl, Agnes, wife of Dietrich and mother of Ülrich of Stetten am Kalten Markt, Germany.

Die Schwäbische Hausfrau is a concept not a person much like a soccer mom or a NASCAR dad.  She is close kin to the well-known Belgian dentist who serves as the avatar for conservative European investors. Die Schwäbische Hausfrau is famously frugal in the management of her affairs, and Schimpl, Agnes is no exception.

Swabia is a region of Germany tucked into the southwestern corner adjacent to France, Switzerland and Austria.  For some reason, identities in Swabia are concentrated among very few names so it is customary to list them back to front like a phone book.

While Schimpl, Agnes focuses on frugality, her husband, Schimpl, Dietrich devotes his complete attention to the European Soccer Championship and son, Schimpl, Ülrich struggles through trade school but is a successful skinhead.

Apart from sweeping her sidewalk (if everyone sweeps his sidewalk, the world will be clean), Schimpl, Agnes is most famous for her cake shop, Konditorei Schimpl and her famous confection, the Schimpl Torte, which recently unhorsed Black Forest Cake from the top spot in the dessert-you-should-never-eat league table.

After extensive polling, experts have determined that Schimpl, Agnes is, in fact, Germany’s lone swing voter whose opinion will determine the future of the Angela Merkel government.  German opinion is more evenly split than that of Florida voters when faced with the choice of George Bush or Al Gore.

In recent months, every decision related to Greek, Spanish and Italian bailouts as well as every decision related to interest rates, guarantees and overall economic policy has, in fact, been made by Schimpl, Agnes and her mood swings though, until now, she did not know it.

A spectacular traffic jam was reported in front of Konditorei Schimpl as every world government leader, every candidate to be a world government leader, including the entirety of the Egyptian Supreme Court elbowed each other to buy Schimpl Tortes and kicked each other in the shins while sweeping her sidewalk. Both the Obama and Romney campaigns offered her the vice presidency with no vetting required.

Schimpl, Agnes spokespeople were unavailable for comment but a Super PAC is being formed.

There are no Schimpl, Dietrich or Schimpl, Ülrich spokespeople because they don’t matter.

Schimpl, Agnes is the one person on earth who does.

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Haven Pell

At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention of 1787, a woman asked Benjamin Franklin, “Well, Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?” Without hesitation, Franklin replied, “A republic, if you can keep it.”

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