Bet you’d like to know what Hillary Clinton told Goldman Sachs in those three speeches she gave at $225,000 each.

Join the queue.

Bernie Sanders leads the wanting-to-know pack because he could then wave his bony hands around and look even more demented as he excoriated her.

But there are plenty of others who do too, albeit for different reasons.

LibertyPell “money honey,” Jenny Zaitech, has reverse engineered recent political developments and conclusively determined what Hillary Clinton told Goldman Sachs.

Jenny Zaitech

 

We’ll do this as an interview to spare you from excessive detail.

Pundificator: You have done fine work here, Jenny. Please lead us through this step by step. What happened first?

Zaitech: Okay, the first thing I noticed was that most people hate the leading political candidates. Donald Trump leads on the Republican side yet 41% more voters hate him than like him. 24% more voters hate Hillary Clinton, who leads the Democrats, than like her, and Ted Cruz, second among the Republicans, is close behind at 23%. The most popular candidate is John Kasich but he can only win if the nomination is fixed. His net favorability rating is plus 12 meaning 12% more people like him than hate him. Bernie Sanders is close at plus 9% but no pollsters are yet asking if voters think he is crazy.

Pundificator: Tell us the next step that led you to be the only person who actually knows what Hillary Clinton told Goldman Sachs.

Zaitech: Well, if you assume that the leaders of the Democrats and the Republicans actually do this for a living, it might be reasonable to guess that they would favor the candidate who was most likely to win, but they seem to be doing just the opposite. “Hillary Clinton is deeply vulnerable in a general election. Donald Trump and, to a lesser extent, Ted Cruz are the exact wrong candidates to take advantage of Clinton’s weaknesses.”

Pundificator: You make it sound like this is intentional. Is it possible that the two parties are just in denial?

Zaitech: No. There is one other important fact.

The Democratic National Committee and Republican National Committee used to be a duopoly. They even have virtually the same names and matching logos. Each has a fancy building on Capitol Hill. You could only like one or the other but far more importantly you could only contribute to one or the other. There were no other choices and the two organizations did really well without much heavy lifting.

Now there are all kinds of committees, nonprofits, PACs and SuperPacs that can take your contributions. They are all running around with their hands out and the traditional party committees are really feeling the heat. They might not even be able to keep the lights on after this election.

It’s like the way factory workers feel about China or taxi drivers feel about Uber. There is much too much competition for the DNC and the RNC. The comfy duopoly has been replaced by anarchy.

Pundificator: Are you ready to fill us in on what Hillary Clinton told Goldman Sachs yet?

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Zaitech: Yes. Hillary Clinton told Goldman Sachs that the best way to save the Democratic Party was to nominate the worst possible candidate and short her. (That female pronoun was not politically correctness; Hillary knew she sucked and she planned to be the nominee whose loss would be so devastating and so shorted by Goldman Sachs that the profits would endow the DNC for centuries.

It took three speeches to lay out the plan, set it in place and whack up the anticipated spoils. There are billions at stake if the Democrat loses. They even added Bernie Sanders as a backup lunatic in case she got indicted and the party accidentally turned to a candidate who might be able to win.

Pundificator: Oh my gosh, Jenny that is amazing. The establishment Democrats are betting heavily against their own candidate. How are they feeling about this plan now?

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Zaitech: They are absolutely terrified.

Pundificator: Why?

Zaitech: Somehow the people at Goldman Sachs forgot about greed even though they pretty much invented the idea. One hotshot banker, who was not quite hotshot enough to be made a partner, was in on the whole thing and learned every detail. He has left Goldman Sachs, assembled a group of hedge funds to back him and they have implemented the exact same strategy to short the Republicans.

His group will make a fortune if the Republicans lose and they will use part of it to endow the RNC and put the Republican establishment back in power.

Pundificator: So this is not just electile dysfunction as some describe it.

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Zaitech: Nope this is entirely intentional. Each side wants to re-endow its establishment forever by losing just this one election.

Pundificator: But surely both parties can’t lose at the same time.

Zaitech; There you have it. There is big money riding on this and there can only be one loser. As you can see, they are working pretty hard at it.

 

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