Top Secret Political Spindustry Poll Testing Uncovered

There is little to stir the soul in Washington like a new issue to be exploited. Battle lines are drawn, fund raising teams are assembled, ground rules are set to avoid any prospect of the issue being resolved until every possible dollar has been extracted from a gullible public in support of the growing Political Spindustry.

Some issues are better than others and Political Spindustry insiders have developed a nose for the truly greats. These are the ones that fuel both rage and fear to unlock the flow of contributions. Stupidity, government over-reach and victimhood are often factors.

For example, Political Spindustry pros understand that “End the Fed” is really a niche market issue that exists solely to support Ron and now Rand Paul and their libertarian followers. With nine out of ten Americans thinking that monetary policy consists solely of ATM machines and affinity credit cards, it is not the kind of game changer that fills outstretched Washington palms like, for example, the 1% vs. the 99%.

The team that conjured up the “1%-99%” fight will be enshrined in the Political Spindustry Hall of Fame, but only after the issue has finally bored the public to death or been debunked in terms simple enough to make one side or the other or both feel so ashamed that they can no longer face their spouses and children.

When that happens, a new issue will be launched to replace it and keep the dollars flowing.

That new issue might be at hand and it is presently being poll-tested amid top level and highly secretive negotiations among all of the Political Spindustry participants. This might be the moment to mention that the new issue is…. ahhh…. maybe a little delicate.

According to early testing, the issue meets most of the key requirements: victims, rights, increased obligations for some, redistribution of benefits, possible government regulation, religion, family values, traditional vs. modern and young vs. old, to say nothing of that Political Spindustry icon – the war on women.

“Hookup inequality” is the problem but, when launched, it will have a far catchier name.

For those who are not in the hookup generation (for Political Spindustry fund raising purposes you will be divided into the outraged and the jealous), a hookup is a more casual – transactional, if you will – encounter focused on the carnal without the emotional baggage.

The family values interests have lined up in opposition to the very existence of this practice and the Millennnials are receiving outside funding to act outraged at any restriction of their hookup rights since “there is nothing those old farts can do about it anyway” according to a Millennial Spokesman. No world-class issue can survive long without well-funded efforts on both sides.

But the real money is expected to be in victimhood, as there appears to be a growing practice of – here comes the delicate part — post orgasmic misbehavior on the part of young gentlemen when engaged in hookups with young ladies. *


Concepts being poll tested include

  • He didn’t even care
  • I don’t think he tried
  • He fell asleep immediately
  • Unequal stigmatization

Left leaning interests are staking claims to the female side of the orgasm equality debate and Congressional hearings are being planned on the creation of a Cabinet Level Department of Orgasm Equality as well as mandatory coverage of remedial sensitivity training under Obamacare.

Right leaning interests, supported by the NSA, which is expected to have a substantial role, are advocating a national rating system in which participants can critique one another and let the free market decide. The ACLU is scheduled to raise privacy “concerns.”

“There seems to be something for everyone and this really looks like it has legs,” said an anonymous Political Spindustry official. “This should definitely get us though the holidays and the always-difficult spring private school tuition bills,” continued the spokesman.

Unions representing “End the Fed” spinners feared further inroads into their depleted ranks and were hard at work on a plan to derail the whole idea.


* Initial inquiries into this matter were triggered by the splendid journalistic efforts of Natalie Kitroeff in today’s story: “In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns


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Haven Pell

At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention of 1787, a woman asked Benjamin Franklin, “Well, Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?” Without hesitation, Franklin replied, “A republic, if you can keep it.”

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