Word is beginning to leak out about a top secret high level emergency meeting in the Hotel Baur au Lac in Zurich. It had to be moved from Lausanne where some of the participants were too well known and it could never have taken place in Washington.
Three groups were represented.
The first was the leadership of FIFA along with its squadrons of lawyers, accountants and public relations people. FIFA is of course responsible for staging the quadrennial soccer World Cup.
The second was the leadership of the International Olympic Committee, fresh from the successful games in Rio de Janeiro. They too were accompanied by a phalanx of lawyers, accountants and PR types.
The third, known simply as the “Commission,” is the most opaque of them all and it is responsible for managing the US electoral process as well as the occasional governing efforts that sneak in from time to time. It representatives all segments of the electing and pretending to govern industries. The Commission’s retinue of on-hangers looked rather like the first two but less well shod and tailored to say nothing of distinctly inferior hair care.
Neckless men wearing sunglasses and earpieces, who were even less well shod and tailored, surrounded them. In general, these gentlemen solved the hairstyle problem with a film of light oil that gave a rich patina to swaths of bare skin. Many had beards making their heads look inverted.
Media – We have brought you together to get your guidance on salvaging the 2016 US election from financial disaster. It has all become so disgusting that people are turning away in shame.
This has the potential to derail the corrupt government business that we have been developing and publicizing. We still have high hopes for this business but it is clearly off the rails.
Commission – We followed all of the advice that you have so kindly provided over the years, but none of it is working.
We have raised billions of dollars and have carefully skimmed many times what you suggested off the top.
We have plumbed the depths of available candidates choosing only from the most corrupt and least qualified.
We have frightened the ignorant and lied to all of the others but the audience has simply given up.
We have trotted out socialism and rioting. We have racism and guilt. Yet they simply do not care.
It appears that they hate us. Some of our pigs have not even made it to the trough to wallow in the filth and eat their fill.
What are we doing wrong?
FIFA — We think your venue might be a problem. We are hosting our 2018 World Cup in Russia where we can be fairly well assured that Vladimir Putin will achieve the highest level of corruption for us.
[When Putin’s name was mentioned the entire room rose as one to applaud the heroic corruption efforts of the of the man they call – admiringly – the Pirate of Sochi.]
Then we sold our 2022 tournament to Qatar for amounts that exceeded our wildest expectations. We were able to triple the normal skimming rate.
Though we commend your efforts and note the significant improvements you have made to bring your corruption efforts up to international standards, you appear to be leaving money on the table.
Have you considered moving the capital from Washington to Qatar? We understand they are buyers.
IOC – Like you, we tend to do our stealing first, but then we have always felt we had to put on a show as we did just recently in Rio.
If you care about future theft you must actually give the audience something to keep them interested in your product.
We televise our games throughout the world and we encourage keeping count of the medals won by each country to assure that we are properly fueling feelings of nationalism.
We have not gone so far as to keep track of medals by race, religion, sexual preference or gender lest things get out of hand.
Though your stealing is going well, you have no show to provide. Your governance is totally boring. All defense with nothing ever happening like soccer. Who wants to see that?
FIFA – Hey, we resent that. Frustration works very well for us.
Commission – We are looking forward to spending the next few days with you to learn how to balance near term theft with a long-term business.
We understand the importance of ideals but only as a sales tool. We will not get bogged down in efforts to actually do any of the things we promise to do. You can depend on that.
Media – We will have several days together to develop and flesh out ideas but now it is time for an obscenely expensive dinner that will be served to you by certified peasants. Following dessert there will be prostitutes.
But in the morning we are back to work right here to up our theft numbers and zero in on best corruption practices.
Now this top secret high level emergency meeting is adjourned.