Pope Signs With Goldman Sachs

Pope Retires

Lest there be insufficient concern about the revolving door between government and the financial industry, the Vatican Press Office and Goldman Sachs announced today that soon-to-be-former-Pope Benedict XVI would be heading the newly-opened Goldman Sachs office in the Vatican at the conclusion of his papacy.

“We have waited 600 years for an opportunity like this,” said a spokesman for Goldman Sachs. “Usually, we have to get to the Pope when he is actually in office, which is far more difficult.” The spokesman, who requested anonymity in fear of excommunication, continued, “the former pontiff provides unique investment management and M&A opportunities for the firm.”

A spokesman for the public relations firm retained by the Pope himself stated that, “taking a job at Goldman Sachs is entirely consistent with the statement by His Holiness that he would be ‘hidden to the world’ in retirement, as Goldman Sachs is known to operate in utmost secrecy.”

According to additional unnamed sources, the deal has been in the works for some time and is modeled after the successful practice instituted by Goldman Sachs of having its former partners take senior positions in the treasury departments, central banks and financial regulatory agencies of major countries to facilitate looting and pillaging. “We are just letting the revolving door keep circling around,” said the official.

Given the outrage at such practices in most major countries, it has been difficult for Goldman Sachs to find financial environments as unregulated as that of the Vatican. “Our quants will be moving to Rome in droves,” gushed the excited spokesman.

Asked about the Pope’s title, the anonymous spokesman confirmed that, “much time and attention was given to that matter before settling on His Eminent Managing Directorness.”

In addition to his business development responsibilities and his unique access to witless financial institutions, the Pope will be teaching seminars on political infighting to senior Goldman Sachs personnel. “They are pretty good at it,” said the Pope, “but we have been at it a lot longer. So far, they have barely gotten to the level of the Borgias.”

Spokes flacks for Morgan Stanley, Citigroup and JP Morgan were described as “really pissed” that they had not seen this opportunity coming.

Subscribe

The process is easy... First name, last name, email address and you are in. You will receive an email when a story is posted.

Subscribe now

Haven Pell

At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention of 1787, a woman asked Benjamin Franklin, “Well, Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?” Without hesitation, Franklin replied, “A republic, if you can keep it.”

View all posts

4 comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • Hilarious idea! But not true – he’s actually coming to England to teach Physical Education in a boys prep school, and run the Army cadet force….

  • I guess you hadn’t heard. It was revealed that Benedict had been a closet Freemason and Grand master of the Galileo Lodge of THe Scottish Right. The Curate found this a conflict of interest and found him a position with Goldman as a cover up of this embarrassment.
    I have decided to convert hoping He will provide a hedge against the billions in Lira I have saved since my grand tour of Italy in 1957. I also have some confederate money to exchange.