In the endless, but ultimately fruitless, quest to mock politicians, their handlers and the total stupidity of the process, your tireless friends at libertyPell have long considered offering a political advice column.
Alert readers will note the plural “tireless friends” and wonder at the growth of the endeavor. Actually, I just pretend there is more than one of me thanks to a possible, but as yet undiagnosed, dissociative identity disorder.
Other alert readers will pause at the words “but ultimately fruitless.” This wistful acceptance of hopelessness results from the nature of elected officials and those who covet political power. Experience shows that they fall into a unique Venn diagram uniting freedom from reality, freedom from shame and legions of toadies and sycophants. That graceful but oddly shaped triangle with the curved sides at the center the picture includes all of the world’s known politicians both successful and wannabe.
Those inside the graceful triangle are the intended recipients of our advice, but if freedom from shame and freedom from reality don’t stop them from heeding it, be well assured that the toadies and sycophants will stop them from hearing it.
So, like any other political advice column, this one is really for those who suffer from advanced Schadenfreude (happiness at the misery of others) but secretly love it. Whiney people call us haters and have gone so far as to invent the wretched phrase “hating on,” but we do not care because they are whiney people.
And now to our first letter, which is fictional though the story itself is true.
Dear libertyPell Advice Columnist,
My name is Lutz Bachmann and I am the co-founder of a far right anti-immigrant political party in Germany known by its acronym PEGIDA. It stands for European Patriots against the Islamization of the Occident. We have done pretty well in gathering support, and leaders of the better-known political parties both in Germany and in the European Union are becoming more and more concerned about us.
Recently, I posted a picture of myself on Facebook with a tiny little mustache and longish limp hair that made me look like a well-known German politician called Adolph Hitler. He died some years ago before most Germans were born.
This is me.
Given my views and the goals of PEGIDA, do you think it was a bad idea?
The entire country is demanding my resignation.
Though you are a breathtaking dumb fuck, you will recover politically if you go to a dark and quiet place and do dark and quiet things without contacting any actual human beings, especially Germans.
You must not depend upon most Germans being born after Mr. Hitler ended his political activity because – this might shock you – most Germans have actually heard of Mr. Hitler and they will not soon forget him.
This might also shock you, but most actual human beings upon whom you depend for the support of your party do not wish to have their standard bearer linked to Mr. Hitler. Mr. Hitler polls really, really badly.
What they will forget (because voters can also be breathtaking dumb fucks) is that you thought it was fun to play dress up and chose him as your model. This is your path to political salvation.
You should consider three or four decades in the dark and quiet place while memories fade but, if you write a book, don’t call it Mein Kampf. That’s been done too. It did not poll well either.
Thanks for writing.