Chelyabinsk: So, You Thought That Was a Meteor

CHelyabinsk

There are parts of Russia more remote than Chelyabinsk but few with better names for a dateline. There are also crappier places than Chelyabinsk but, if crappiness is the standard, you have chosen wisely. More on this below.

Late last week a 10-ton meteor, going 33,000 miles per hour allegedly hit this heretofore-unknown city of just over a million people located in the Oblast region of Russia.

Right there should have been the tipoff to a massive international cover up. Meteors do not randomly land in Oh blast, they land in holy shit or what the fuck.

Careful observers will have carefully observed the little noticed correlation with the resignation of the Pope. Still, it might take the carefulest of the careful to make the seamless connection between the two.

Everyone who has been assaulted by a public relations campaign is well familiar with the World Economic Forum that takes place annually in Davos, Switzerland. For the planet’s few remaining troglodytes, that is the one that the world’s great and good find tiresome but never fail to attend. Great thoughts greatly thought amid high visibility and photo-ops.

Get ready – you read it here first – Chelyabinsk has, for decades, hosted the top secret World Government Corruption Forum.  There, government officials gather to exchange ideas about looting and pillaging, election rigging and outright coups, bribes, theft and secret bank accounts, preserving the contribution stream while accomplishing nothing, and the ever-popular intern diddling.

This year President Obama and Vice President Biden headed the US delegation and they were joined by Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi, Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus and Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz as well as an entourage of pollsters, campaign strategists and up-sucking sycophants.

Similar delegations of useless parasites from other countries were in attendance for best practice sharing and networking but no photo-ops because nobody wants to be seen in Chelyabinsk.  Like Vegas, “what happens in Chelyabinsk stays in Chelyabinsk.”

It was, in fact, the very crappiness of the place that led to its selection as the best possible venue for such a confab.

The highlight of the conference is the annual presentation of the Most Spectacular Corruption Award. Like the Nobel Peace Prize in recent years, this is a lobbying extravaganza and PR careers have been made by the toadies who got the nod for their candidate.

What you thought was a killer meteor was, in fact, the collective outrage of the world’s leading politicians at being aced out for this year’s honor by the Vatican, a fine performer in the Middle Ages but a pipsqueak in recent years. According to the citation accompanying the award, “The combination of a thoroughly corrupt central bank with shameless and virtually-universal self dealing amid a blizzard of hypocrisy” was sufficient to keep even local Chinese Communist Party officials out of the spotlight for this year.

The world spokes flack team thought a meteor sounded better than the collective temper tantrum.

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Haven Pell

At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention of 1787, a woman asked Benjamin Franklin, “Well, Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?” Without hesitation, Franklin replied, “A republic, if you can keep it.”

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